Ah, beat ‘em ups – the genre where walking to the right and punching things was considered peak game design. Beat ‘Em Up Collection (QUByte Classics) resurrects seven crusty side-scrolling bruisers from the Amiga, SNES and Mega Drive era, bundling them together in what can only be described as a love letter written in crayon. If you’ve ever wondered how ageing badly can be digitised, this is your answer.
Gaming Heaven
There’s something oddly charming about watching half-forgotten sprites stumble around like hungover extras from a ‘90s action flick. Some titles – Iron Commando and Legend, for instance – do at least try to resemble functioning games. You also get a decent handful of characters, weapons, and time-travelling nonsense. It’s a slice of history, if by history you mean the kind you politely forget happened.
Gaming Hell
Let’s be honest: these games weren’t great when they were new, and time has not been kind. Sword of Sodan plays like a stiff-legged re-enactment at a medieval-themed pub. Gourmet Warriors thinks it’s funny but is only confusing, like a fever dream about cooking during a nuclear war.
The combat across most of the collection is floaty, inconsistent, and about as impactful as slapping a wet sponge against a brick wall. Enemy variety is low, hitboxes are comically vague, and collision detection might as well be optional.
Final Judgement
Beat ‘Em Up Collection isn’t a celebration; it’s a museum exhibit left unsupervised. For hardcore retro masochists only. Everyone else: walk away. Slowly. Don’t look back.
