In Date Everything!, you slip on a pair of magical glasses and begin wooing your way through the most romantic objects in your home: a flirtatious fridge, a bashful bathtub, all with more emotional depth than most humans. This isn’t a metaphor. It’s quite literal. It’s also 80 hours long. That’s right – eighty. Dating a hundred household items takes time, apparently. Possibly more time than most relationships with actual people.
Gaming Heaven
The voice cast is genuinely impressive. If you’ve ever wanted your vacuum cleaner to sound like it studied at RADA, your time has come. The writing – when it’s not aggressively trying to pun you into a coma – occasionally manages a moment of real heart. And the inclusive design, complete with content filters, is thoughtful and commendable.
The visuals are a charming throwback to Saturday morning cartoons, and the dialogue system is surprisingly robust. If you’ve ever wanted to befriend a rubber duck with trust issues or get ghosted by a sexy coffee table, this game has you covered.
Gaming Hell
Despite its quirky concept, Date Everything! is less of a comedy gem and more of a prolonged fever dream. The central gameplay loop – “find object, flirt with object, level up stats so you can realise object” – grows stale faster than day-old toast. Progression is slow, padded, and occasionally feels like psychological punishment. The daily cap on interactions makes every in-game day feel like attending five very odd therapy sessions, but with furniture.
The novelty wears thin around hour ten. Unfortunately, that’s when you realise you’ve still got 90-odd objects to unlock, including a lamp with commitment issues.
Final Judgement
Date Everything! is a clever joke stretched into a full-length RPG, like someone dared to make a dating sim based on a surrealist IKEA catalogue. Funny, yes. Fun? Less so. Play it for the voice acting, stay for the existential crisis.
